“All there is now is my love for him and for him to be happy.”
This is Veronica, describing losing her marriage.
I loved him deeply, very much, I feel in love with him as soon as the first day I met him I fell in love with him. And I knew that I had to at least talk to him that day. I did talk to him that day and since that day we saw each other every day and we did not stop seeing each other since then. Then a year later we were married and it was great, we were awesome, it was the most awesome relationship, he was the most great person, especially considering that I’m so odd and strange, to find someone that could understand my odd thinking and my odd behavior was really difficult. It was kind of blissful.
Sometimes girls fall into this thinking “Oh this is gonna last forever.” And I fell into that thinking; that this was going to be forever and that him and I were going to live and get old together and die together, you know, typical fairy tale… girls! Then years later, down the line, I start sensing that he kind of not happy, that he’s not the same, I feel that he is kind of falling out of love, I felt it, I talked to him about it, he would deny it. About a year ago things really went to shit, we went through a lot of different things because I didn’t want to lose his love.
I wanted to keep, I wanted to still be with him, I didn’t want to let that go. So, I invented all kinds of things, one of the things I invented to not lose him was I said, we just need to spice things up a little bit. So I suggested and open relationship and we talked about it, he liked the idea, I was willing to go with it. I didn’t know where it was going to take us, really. But we were trying something and I thought we could have a chance of it.
We ended up finding this girl who we had a bizarre love triangle with–I like to call it bizarre love triangle because I like New Order. She was 19 at the time, she is also German, she was one of these odd creatures that just knew me. Like she would know what I was thinking, she was like the type of person that could finish your sentence. This really beautiful thing happened between us, she was here for six months from Germany and those six months our relationship became somewhat stable, perfect. For the first time in a long time I felt like I was, like we found what we were looking for. The problem was that she was only going to stay for six months and she was leaving and she did leave. After she left everything went to hell. That is when he wanted the divorce and to seperate, and it was just a few months after that that he moved out.
The thing is it was very hurtful for me. It was a lot of pain, physical pain, it was in the middle of my chest and that pain I felt it for many weeks. For several months, sometimes it was in my head, some days were really, really bad. I contemplated suicide a lot during that year. When she left I realized that I could not do anything else to keep him with me. That I realized that it was the end. I didn’t want the end, but I had to accept the end. And the end was there. And I could no longer do anything to change it.
I knew in my heart that I loved him, I would never want anything bad to happen to him and I realized then that, if he didn’t love me anymore, then because I loved him so much I had to let him go. That was the most difficult thing to do… ever!
Like nowadays I don’t feel jealous anymore, in fact, him and I are extremely good friends, and we relate with each other on a friendly level. It is wonderful because it is like having a best friend. Like he is my best friend, when I have a problem, he is the one that I talk to.
The moment that I was able to let go I gained a lot of stuff because that made me feel like, if I could do that I could pretty much do anything and the most amazing thing is that I didn’t feel the hurt anymore. When I truly was able to let go the pain was not there anymore. All there is now is my love for him and for him to be happy.
Losing Something by Jody Stephens is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.